The quiet person sitting next to you might be an INFJ. They smile and listen to everyone’s problems. They give the best advice. But inside, they carry the feelings of every person they meet. My friend Sarah is an INFJ. Last week, she told me something that made me stop and think. “People see me as strong because I help them through their pain. But they don’t see how much their hurt becomes my hurt, too.”INFJs are special. They feel emotions more strongly than most people. They’re like living heart monitors—they pick up every happy moment, every sad sigh, and every bit of anger in the room. This makes them amazing friends but also means they can get hurt more easily. Think of a time when someone listened to you – not just with their ears but their whole heart. That’s what an INFJ does every day. They don’t just hear your words; they feel your story in their bones. But this gift comes with a price. When an INFJ gets hurt, they don’t just brush it off. The pain goes deep, like a rock thrown into a still pond. The ripples spread far and wide. I wrote this guide because these gentle souls need to be protected. And if you’re an INFJ reading this, I want you to know that your feelings matter. Your emotional depth isn’t a weakness—it’s your superpower.
The Special Way INFJs Feel and Care
INFJsare like sponges for emotions. When someone else is happy or sad, INFJs feel it too. This makes them very good at helping others, but it can also make them tired. Think of it this way: Your brain has a volume button for feelings. For most people, this button stays at a normal level. But for INFJs, the volume always turns up. They pick up every laugh, every tear, and every bit of anger in the room. Most INFJs like to help their friends. They want to fix problems and make people feel better. But this can make them very tired. It’s like carrying everyone’s heavy backpacks at the same time.INFJs keep many things private. They might know how you feel, but they often don’t tell others how they feel. This can lead to emotional pain. When they hold their feelings for too long, they might:
Feel very tired
Get worried a lot
Need time alone
Have trouble sleeping
It’s hard for an INFJ to say, “I need help,” or “I’m not okay.” They spend so much time caring for others that they forget to care for themselves. This can get their feelings stuck inside, like a bottle with too much soda and no way to release the pressure. The good news is that they learned to protect themselves while still being caring people. They need to remember that their feelings matter, too.
What is the INFJ Door Slam?
Sometimes, an INFJ stops talking to someone completely. This is called a door slam. It happens when an INFJ has been hurt too many times. They close their hearts like closing a door and don’t let that person back in. The door slam might look sudden, but it’s not. It’s like a cup that gets filled drop by drop until it spills over. Before an INFJ closes the door, they usually:
Try to fix things many times
Feel deeply hurt again and again
Give lots of chances
Stay quiet about their pain
Here are some warning signs that an INFJ might be close to a door slam:
They get very quiet
They stop sharing their thoughts
They pull away from the relationship
They seem tired or sad all the time
AnINFJ doesn’t want to hurt anyone. They claim that putting on a safety helmet protects them from getting more emotional pain. When an INFJ cuts someone out, they often feel bad about it. But they do it because the pain of staying hurts more than the pain of leaving. They need to protect their heart to stay healthy. Remember: If you see these signs in your INFJ friend, talking with them and being honest can help stop the door from closing.
When Negative Emotions Hit an INFJ
INFJs Feel things very deeply. Bad feelings can fill their minds like water fills a glass. When this happens, they might:
Feel too tired to talk to anyone
Get worried about small things
Mix up their feelings with someone else’s feelings
Need lots of quiet time
When an INFJ gets hurt, they often get very quiet. They go into their own space to think about their emotions. This is normal—they need time to sort out how they feel. Sometimes, all these big feelings in ways they don’t mean to:
They might get angry suddenly
They might stop talking to people
They might hide away from friends
They might say things they don’t mean
Think of it like a pot of water on the stove. If the heat stays on too long, the water boils over.INFJs need ways to let off steam before they reach that point. Many INFJs have trouble telling which feelings are theirs and which belong to others. It’s like having two radio stations playing simultaneously—hearing just one song is hard. The good news is that INFJs can learn to handle these big emotions. They need time, space, and people who understand what they’re going through.
How to Keep Your INFJ Friend Close
Being friends with an INFJ takes special care. Here’s how to be a good friend to them: Completely Honest
Tell the truth, even when it’s hard
Say what you mean
Don’t hide things from them
Share your real thoughts
Give Them Space
Don’t push them to talk if they’re quiet
Let them take time to think
Wait for them to open up
Stay close, but not too close
Show You Care About TheirFeelings
Listen when they talk
Ask how they feel
Remember what they tell you
Notice when they seem sad
Be Gentle With Your Words
Don’t be too harsh when you speak
Think before you say hard things
Use kind words to share tough news
Remember they feel things deeply
Stay Patient
Give them time to process things
Don’t rush them
Keep showing up
Let them know you’re there
When you follow these tips, you help your INFJ friend feel safe. This stops them from wanting to use the door slam. They will see you care about their emotions and want to stay close to you.
How INFJs Can Get Better After Being Hurt
When INFJs feel pain, they need special care to get better. Here’s how they can heal: Take Time Alone
Spend quiet time at home
Write down your feelings
Sit in peace
Think about what you need
Do Things That Make You Feel Good
Go for walks outside
Draw or color
Write in a diary
Take long, warm baths
Talk to People Who Care
Share with close friends
Tell a friend about your feelings
Pick people who listen
Stay near those who make you feel safe
Put Yourself First
It’s okay to say “no.”
Take breaks when you need them
Listen to your body
Trust your feelings
Keep Your Heart Safe
Stay away from people who hurt you
Pick friends who tell the truth
Set rules about what’s okay
Accept that it’s fine to protect yourself
Getting better takes time.INFJs need to be patient with themselves. Small steps each day help heal big hurts. Remember: Your feelings matter. Taking care of yourself helps you stay strong and healthy.
What Happens After an INFJ Door Slam
When an INFJuses the door slams, it changes things for everyone. Let’s look at what happens: for the other party.
They might feel shocked
They don’t know why it happened
They miss their INFJ friend
They want to fix things
For the INFJ
They might feel guilty
They think about the good times
They wonder if they did the wrong thing
They feel sad but safer
The Door Slam Shows Big Problems
The relationship was already hurting
Both people needed different things
Old pain built up too much
Trust got broken
Sometimes It Helps
The INFJ can heal
Bad feelings stop growing
They learn to protect themselves
They feel more at peace
Both sides need to know this isn’t easy. The INFJ doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but they must care for their hearts. Sometimes, the best way to stop the pain is to close the door.
